A decision is born (haha! lame pun)

The decision to make a career out of bringing life into this world is not one to be taken lightly. Let me preface this entry with EVERYONE LIKES BABIES. Okay, maybe not everyone. My best friend Austin, for example, doesn't quite understand why everyone is in such a hurry to procreate. Alas, in my experience, most everyone finds themselves drawn to babies at one point in their life at the very least. AT least once, the masses goes to their neighborhood Target and looks wistfully at strollers and lil' socks with fishes and turtles on them, wondering if and when they will have a baby of their own (if they haven't had one already). For me, my love of babies was born the first time I saw the extremely 90's move called Look Who's Talking with Kirstie Allie and the 'talking' babies. The intro scene shows a vivid view of an egg's journey down the fallopian tubes and at the time all I thought was "whoa, what?". But I was intrigued. Kirstie get's pregnant and has a baby whose thoughts are narrated by Bruce Willis. My very favorite parts of the movie involved her giving birth and getting pregnant (not the sex scene- there was barely one of those), but rather a detailed view of how sperm fertilizes the egg and what happens from there. Sure the movie was kind of lame, by for some reason I felt compelled to watch it every day for a month or so. What is morning sickness, I wondered. Is that what labor is like? My interest grew, but as I was only 7 or 8 years old it wasn't exactly something to dwell on. As a rather dramatic and unstable teenager, I looked back on that movie and the way it made me feel as "wow, I must love babies. I should have one of those suckers pretty soon!" THANK GOD I DIDN'T! I had just enough sense to know better. However, I can see why teenage girls get sucked into having them young- the desire to have a child and a family is innate, and during those hectic teenage years all you want is something stable. I'm glad it didn't happen to me, and I pray that girls have the same "it's not the right time" mindset that I did. As a young adult, I now see that liking babies and wanting to make a career out of labor and delivery are completely different things. Holding a woman's hand as she undergoes the transformative experience of birth has nothing to do with singing your own infant to sleep that first night she spends at home. Understanding the unique needs of a laboring woman is not akin to knowing knowing how best to raise your own child.
A career as a doula stems from so many other elements of my personality. Yes, I love babies. Sure. I hope and pray that I will someday be blessed with a child of my own, maybe several. But the part of me that wants that has little to do with the part of me that feels compelled to assist woman in securing their own families and futures. I want to be the person a woman turns to during the most EXCITING time of her life. When emergency strikes a laboring woman, God forbid, and she finds herself in need- I want to have the medical expertise to intervene and deliver that baby safely. I want to spiritually guide  women, not by imparting my own spiritual beliefs but by helping them discover and hone their own. I want to hold their hands, literally and figuratively.
The first time a man told me he loved me I was 16 years old and that man was my boyfriend, who I thought then to be my "true love" (aren't they all, at that age). I asked him why, as I was not afraid to voice my uncertainty and insecurity. I wanted to know what he saw in me, what compelled him to Love me. He answered simply, "you make me feel comfortable. You make everyone feel so comfortable all of the time. You put me at ease." What he loved about me was the way I made him feel, my ability to help him find peace in his difficult life. I saw this as a recurring theme in my life- people have always been drawn to my easiness. I thought this was a bad thing for so many years- love me because I calm you down? Because I let you "be"?
Now I know that this will be my greatest asset in my career as a doula, and hopefully a nurse-midwife in due time.


I am enrolling within the month, and my required reading is well underway. I look forward to this journey.

I'm Barbara, and I'm an undecided graduate

Somedays my career indecision is so paralyzing that I find myself in the children's section of Barnes and Nobles, clutching a Fancy Nancy book and wondering if maybe I should be a teacher after all.

Other days, like today, I feel so sure about my decision. The moment I mailed my applications to Portland, Seattle, and Boston I felt supreme confidence that nurse practitioner would be the perfect job for me.

We will see!